Dark

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yep, hi? its been a while huh.

as today is the first day of december 2022, i want to recap a bit about what happened in my november.

nothing much. but ya..

my november really goes beyond my expectation. if i can use the graph here to illustrate my november, it will show a very messy graph hahah. nothing went easy in our life. kan? if we see along the way in our life ni pun, nothing goes as planned. its either, you reach the destination with a lot of surprises along the way and reach the ending, or you get very smooth journey but, the plot twist is at the ending which means you get something different than you want.

actually, we know that. we always know that we have to prepare for the worse. because yep, we plan yada yada. but, there is The Best Planner. can't be denied, its hurt. ada masa, ketika tak ready, we just thought if something happened pun paling-paling kita rasa sakit tu sikit je. it will affect us with minimal pain. i was like that. i was wrong back then. i thought i would be fine. i thought its gonna be fine someday as i didnt expect something gonna happened and it affect me so huge. 

but ya, at least i learned a lot. kan? 

aku bawa rasa ini sampai bila-bila. aku tahu dan percaya tidak semudah itu rasa ini akan hilang dan berganti. aku berani kata 5 tahun kehadapan pun, aku masih tidak lepaskan rasa ini. sebab its really hit me hard. like so hard. but, through it aku jadi huda yang sekarang. walaupun aku tak suka huda yang sekarang. but at least i learn something. haha

if ada orang baca post yang ni, mesti orang tak faham. but its okay. hahahaha this blog dah macam jadi diary. tapi ya, kalau ada pun, just pray for me okie? the feeling tu tak best tapi i have to bear with it. 

aku rajin sangat nak mengarang on 1st december is because i think, previous month really crazy. hahaha tak tahu lah nak letak perkataan yang sesuai apa. tapi memang gila. but ya, i hope another 5 years, huda akan tengok this post and i hope she will say, "this is just small matter. awak dah berjaya lalui dah da." i really hope she will. tak sabar.. haha :)

if i have a chance to deliver a message to someone :

thank you for existing in my journey. even though just for short time, it affects me so much. you taught me a lot. i regret a few things but sure i will be fine. you are the first person i meet and motivate me. you are the first person teach me the things which i think i wont understand. you are the first person that i trusted the most back then. you are the first person i know that i can rely on. thank you for being the most understanding person, without i need to comprehend my words. thank you for being so kind. thank you make me feel you are always there. i have a lot to say, but i guess i should have some boundaries kan.

i want to be like you. i need to fly high. so that, i can see you wherever you go. because i believe, you will be somewhere higher than where you are now. haha you already set high benchmark for me for my next journey. insyaAllah i can do this. i do hope i will see you in the future.

" adapt and improvise "

see ya. 

Kenapa sekarang banyak tersimpan?

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I'm currently at the end of semester 5.

haha, actually i don't have any specific thing to write, to share. it's like my random thought caused i already done all my assignments. ouhhhh on 14/2 i will have my last quiz. itu memang terpaling official end of this semester lah. so for now, my mind alhamdulillah is free from academic things. its tiring though. tapi, dah memang perjalanan sebagai seorang student, begitulah. nak senang, tidur aje lah. tapi banyak tidur pun penat. mati je kot senang? tapi banyak dosa pun susah juga. hahaha serabut lah awak ni da. 

okay done mengarut.

actually, i feel lost. i need something that i can feel content with again. or is it normal to feel this way? tak tahu lah. mungkin dah terlalu biasa sentiasa ada someone that i can rely on; to share, lending their shoulder for me. terlalu manja dan sentiasa rasa semua orang ada. my bad to act that way before this. hahah and now, i being more realistic dalam keadaan yang im not ready. 

jadi realistik adalah kemestian untuk aku. sebab kesakitan dalam pengharapan dalam apa jua keadaan itu amat perit dan pahit. tapi sekarang, rasa terumbang ambing itu sangat ketara. tapi tak reti nak cerita atau cari siapa. i just do not know. i feeling too much of everything. marah, kecewa, kecil hati, sedih, ralat, jatuh, koyak, rasa sorang-sorang tu -- aku dah macam tak mampu nak handle weh. ive mentioned before, kot lah yang aku dah tak reti menulis that i used to. aku pun tengok my previous post dari tahun-tahun sebelum. i write a lot. i write everything. and semuanya macam positif. honestly, that side of me is gone. 

dah terlalu lama rasa hilang diri sendiri tu. i can ignore everything last time. i can wear my poker face everywhere. hahah kenapa fasa ni macam serabut lain macam ek? im scared that i will burst out yang akan affect many thing. yep takut sangat. kita harap tidak lah. hahah

tapi, sakit sebenarnya rasa macam ni....

orang tengok semuanya okay....

tapi, tak do....

aku tak okay....

pendewasaan macam ni rasa sorang-sorang sangat.....

i think people thinks this is normal.

rasa nak mati dalam diam tu kadang muncul. rasa nak hilang. rasa nak senyapkan diri. cause i need that. tapi mustahil do. haha maybe i need extra of me time kut ek?

haha dah lah. see ya!